What to do if your Child Refuses to Do Homework
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When your child refuses to do homework, what can a parent do? - Episode 065
Refusing to do homework looks different in each child. They might sit at their desk and stare into space. They might moan about how much they hate the subject for 2 hours never lifting a pencil. Or they might run upstairs and slam a door. We all have dealt with a child who refused to do his homework at one point.
How can we, as parents, handle it when a child refuses to do homework?
There’s no one-stop magic solution to this problem. Each family and its dynamic is different, and so are the kids.
Most kids aren’t brave enough to directly disobey us. They don’t say no to our face. Instead, there’s this constant whining we deal with. There’s something about this tone that grates us. Why do they waste their time complaining about it when it’s easier to get it done and let go of it?!
It leads to arguments and screaming matches. By the end of it, your kid hates this world, and most certainly hates you, too. You, on the other hand, are left wondering where you went wrong.
When we’re in the middle of a heated argument, are we capable of finding out the root of the problem? When you’re alone and have calmed down a bit and let go of your anger, think about it.
Why is your kid reacting strongly at the thought of doing their homework? What is it that’s truly getting to them? Is it a bit of anxiety? Maybe a dash of perfectionism? What is at the root?
We need to get to the thick of it. We need to understand why they’re reacting this way. Parents, we also have to monitor our reactions to them. When we act in anger to the situation (and trust me I’ve been there) what result do you get? Is it what you wanted?
What can we do when our child refuses to do Homework
Start by trying to be a team. Look for a solution together. We need to tell them that we can see homework is hard for them, that it is making them unhappy. We know we can wish for it all we want, but it’s not going to disappear. It’s here and unfortunately something we have to deal with, just like we had to deal with it as children.
It doesn’t mean their homework is suddenly going to become easier to deal with, but we can become a partner.
Then what is the next step? Does being on your child’s team mean becoming their best friend? Heck no. There are consequences for everything in life. As the expert of your family unit, you know what you expect of your child. What is the bare minimum you need to see? Let’s talk about the consequences.
What are the consequences of not doing Homework
Of course, just because we’re working as a team, it doesn’t mean their actions don’t have any consequences. If they have to do the work or turn in work, and they don’t, they have to deal with a consequence that you determine fits your family.
Be clear about those consequences. They need to know what they will have to face if they don’t meet the basic expectations. Laying out the consequences prior to the infraction leaves less room for throwing out punishments in the heat of the moment. Get clear before the fight starts!
If it is Easy, Why isn’t it Done?
It’s not always about not wanting to study. Part of it has something to do with how hard is it. As parents, homework seems easy. However, simply because we think of it as something easy doesn’t mean it appears the same way to our kids.
Furthermore, when we say something like this should be easy for you, they only feel worse. It’s pretty much the start of a fight, with them slamming their computer shut and refusing to do anymore. It certainly wasn’t our intention but that was the result.
That doesn’t mean we give up completely. Maybe they don’t want the help, but something needs to be done. So, ask them what they think of a tutor?
Hit them with three options. They could get help from a parent, a tutor, or try to do it themselves. They could try their best for a while and see where it takes them.
If we’re going to tackle this as a team, do we look for a tutor? Or does one of the parent steps into the role of a tutor? Some families have the option of exploring all avenues while some don’t.
However, the frustration with not understanding the subject matter correctly could lead to a total disconnect.
In Closing
Communication is crucial to working with a teen or tween who is refusing to do homework. Try and have a one to one conversation on what is bothering them. Once you know what is bothering them, you have a better understanding of the situation. This will allow you to figure out the best options between the two of you.
Make them a part of the decision-making process. Tell them of the consequences but don’t put pressure on them.
It’s not a quick fix by any means. It’s something you have to work towards improvement slowly. However, when you’re part of the same team instead of the imposing figure in your kid’s life, they’re much likely to put forward the effort needed to achieve the desired results.
It’s going to need some sacrifice on your part. You and your kid both will have to practice patience and give yourself time to make everything right. You’re going to need the courage to admit when you’re wrong as well. But most importantly, take time to celebrate the wins along the way.
Listen to the full episode for more tips and front line stories of the transition to middle school. You can subscribe to the show on iTunes, Apple Podcast, Stitcher, Googleplay, or Iheartradio or visit http://www.schoolcounselorgonerogue.com each week for the full episode (though let’s be honest, subscribing is so much easier!)
You can also sign up for the waitlist for The Organized School Year at teampasch.com/theorganizedschoolyear. It’s an intensive workshop to help your child create and implement an organization system that meets their needs.
Sign up for the waitlist here!
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Highlights
Navigating the homework power struggle
Hiring an academic coach, tutor or additional support
Understanding why your child refuses to do homework
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Marni Pasch| Host of School Counselor Gone Rogue| Academic Coach | Team Pasch Academic Coaching
I work with students in grades 6th and higher, who struggle with academic confidence and motivation. I help them survive school with less stress by helping them create concrete goals, tackle procrastination and learn creative study techniques. I empower students to take charge of their education and reach their goals. I do this through individual or group coaching so students achieve success in life, school, career readiness and their social endeavors. I provided in person academic coaching in Orlando, FL, but work with students across the country through Zoom!
